Stop Chasing Approval: How to Respond to Scrutiny Without Getting Defensive

I got pulled aside at LAX last week for a security check.

The scanner showed I was concealing something in my groin area. 
Full pat-down. In public.
I stayed calm. Cooperative. Sixty seconds later, done.

The people who got defensive? 
Still there 5 minutes later. Red-faced. Everyone watching.
The more they defended themselves, the guiltier they looked.

You know that feeling.
The judge questions your submission. Face gets hot.
Counterparts imply you missed something. You're over-explaining.
Client challenges your strategy. Instead of answering, you're justifying, backtracking, and adding caveats.

You just showed them all you're rattled.

I get it. You spent hours on that strategy. 
You know it's right. 
And now someone who doesn't understand your position is questioning you.
Of course, it feels personal.

But the moment you get defensive, you prove their concern was valid.

You didn't fail because your strategy was wrong. 
You failed because you couldn't separate the challenge from thinking it was somehow more about your worth.

High performers don't avoid scrutiny. 
They don't take it personally.

They answer the question. 
They don't worry about looking good while doing it.

What actually matters: 
→ Did you answer the question? 
→ Did you advance your position? 
→ Did you control the outcome?

What doesn't: 
→ Whether they agree with what you said
→ Whether you're as good as the other lawyer or barrister in the room.

Here's what most lawyers miss:
You think the problem is what you're saying or doing.
It's not.

The problem is you're treating every challenge as a test of whether you're good enough to be in that room.

So you defend. You over-explain. To prove you're competence.

And in doing that, you prove you're not.

Right now, you're reacting to whatever gets thrown at you. 
Giving more than you get. Refusing to concede anything.
And walking out, wondering why the room didn't go the way you wanted.

Here's what that's costing you:
The clients go quiet and become unresponsive when you show 'defensive.'
The reputation as someone brilliant—but hard to work with.

There's another way.

Not by defending harder. Not by being tougher.

By knowing what to respond to—and what to let pass and HOW to do it.

By staying focused on the outcome instead of chasing approval.

By treating challenges like information, not personal attacks.

Once you stop making scrutiny about yourself, everything changes.

The question isn't whether there's a better way.

The question is whether you're done paying the cost of your current approach.


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